Saturday, June 23, 2012


Ever since I started shaving around 19 (I'm a late bloomer so sue me) I have sucked at it. There has not been a single time, in five years, that I have not cut myself at LEAST once. I have always used disposable razors for the lolz, but yesterday I was at walgreens and saw the Gillette Fusion Proglide in the bargain bin for seven bucks, and I figured hell, what have I got to lose except seven bucks? I just shaved about twenty minutes ago, and DAMN. The difference was mind boggling. It was like shaving with a stick of butter instead of rusty nails coated in tetanus.

Just look at this smooth neck! Appreciate its not-sliced-to-shittedness! My neck-skin used to function adequately as sandpaper after each shave, but that beauty over there wouldn't even scratch a baby's bottom*. On a more somber note, wtf is up with my ear? look at that thing. From underneath it looks like some weird mutant thumb coming out of my head. Ew.

*I in no way endorse the use of beard-scruff to scratch baby bottoms

I finally got on the bandwagon and got a smart phone last week! The Iphone 4s is really shiny, and is packed to the gills with niftyness. Ex: On fathers day I called up a place to order pizza. When I ended the call, I realized my phone had already pulled up the store's address on my screen without me even searching for it! I touched the address, and BAM! I had directions to the place faster than I could say "I need directions to the place." Like wtf! After briefly pondering what manner of augury allowed Siri to read my mind, I calmly followed the directions to the store. Science be praised.

So my phone kicks ass. Getting the phone, however, was a less than pleasant experience. When I arrived at the i-store, a gaggle of 4-5 blue shirted types were milling around absent-mindedly near the front. When I approached, one of them took me to "Drake", who was busy trying to unlock a drawer for a customer. Apparently, someone had locked her phone in the drawer for safe keeping, then left and taken the keys with them, dooming the phone to a lifetime trapped in i-purgatory. After about fifteen minutes of Drake trying to pick the lock with a paperclip and explain touch screen controls to me, the blue-shirt gang decided to bring over ANOTHER girl for Drake to help. This one was buying a brand new computer and had never used an apple before, and naturally Drake was the only man who could possibly explain it. So we had five employees standing around contemplating their uselessness while Drake tried to simultaneously complete three disparate tasks. The Apple store apparently has a "Only one helpful employee per shift" rule which forces most workers to pretend to suck at their jobs.

Veep is a good show! You should watch it.

I'm not even gonna talk about the NBA finals. Disappointing.

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

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