Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I don't know if you've been watching the news or listening to the radio, but Colorado Springs (where I live) is a little bit on fire at the moment. I've been listening to 105.5 constantly for the past few days, and the weather people sound really excited whenever they mention stuff like "Pyrocumulous Clouds" and "Fire Tornados", but manage to rein it in just enough to not be psychos. My Dominos graciously donated 40 large pizzas to the evacuees who were sent to the evacuation center in Monument. At first I thought it was trivial, even callous to give these people pizza; "Hey, sorry your house is burning down, did you want a veggie lovers or pepperoni?" In retrospect though, free pizza isn't going to make people feel any worse, will it? Hopefully all of the burnination will be resolved soon, we have over 200 additional fire fighters coming into town to join the 800+ already working their asses off. To any F-Fighters out there: Best of luck, and thank you for your service.

One of the reasons this fire is getting so out of hand is the record heat that we have been having here. For over a week the temperature has been in the 90's, staying in the 80s every night. I live in a three story house without air conditioning, and the top floor is almost a sauna. Whenever I go to the bathroom I expect to find a creepy old dude wearing only a towel and seven gold necklaces sitting on the counter smoking a cigar*. When I go out on the balcony to watch the world burn, I can feel heat emanating from the doorway behind me as strong as a space heater. After two days of sleeping on top of the covers, with the fan full blast, in the buff, I gave up and started sleeping in the basement.

Even my cat is feeling the effects of the heat. Just look at her; too tired and lazy to put any serious effort into pissing me off. Notice how she isn't even bothering to lie directly on my keyboard, only half-assedly sticking her feet over the edge?. She is too overheated to fully concentrate on inconveniencing me

*Movies have shown me that the only people that go to saunas are creepy old dudes and really hot chicks, neither of which seem to be able to wear towels properly.

I saw Brave. It has some of the most impressive animation I've ever seen, but the story is a little... meh. Its one of those classic "The plot only works if the main character decides to do something incredibly stupid" deals. The story also manages to be simple, yet confusing at the same time. The soundtrack is amazing though, Patrick Doyle integrates bagpipes and tin-whistles into the modern orchestra quite well, making the score come off as very Scottish, but not old fashioned. As an added bonus, all of the songs are sung completely in Gaelic! Worth seeing, but walk, don't run to do so. 6.5/10

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Annoying Things

Watch this Corona Light Commercial

Corona's slogan is "Find your beach" or some shit. So this group of people are attending a concert and thought "you know, it sucks with all these other people around, I wish we were all alone at a beach". If you don't want to see other people, why are you at a club? Why does holding a corona make you zone out and ignore everyone? Mind Boggled!

I cant find a sound bite of it anywhere, but there is a radio commercial for Twisted Tea where a girl is talking in a breathy voice that is supposed to emulate Katherine Hepburn but comes off as more like "high school girl in drama club trying to sound mysterious". The word "tea" appears every four syllables, and at one point she says "but you need a little kick" the same way a condescending babysitter might offer gramcrackers to a sixteen year old. Unlike the corona commercial which is just confusing, this one outright infuriates me. I will never buy or consume Twisted Tea, and I urge you to do the same.

I don't like it when I'm driving and someone starts tailgating me. I always use cruise control, and when someone gets right on my butt I decelerate one mile at a time until I am satisfied that they have been sufficiently annoyed.

Except for this unquestionable bad-ass and Freddie Mercury, NO GUY should ever sing falsetto. It reminds me of the leader of the knights who say "Ni!" when he commands Arthur to chop down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a... herring! The dude is trying to sound as silly and ridiculous as possible so what does he do? Goes into falsetto! And yet some male singers do this on purpose, while trying to sound sexy? No. Stop. Allow your balls to drop down where they belong.

While I've been writing this I've been syncing my Cd's to itunes so I can put them on my phone. Needle decided the best way to assist me was to lay all over my shit. Cats are awesome. Its my favorite when they chew through your brand new phone charging cable and then poop in your clean laundry.

Check out The Best Page in the Universe. The guy only updates once every few months but there are posts going back like 8 years, and he is pretty funny.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


Ever since I started shaving around 19 (I'm a late bloomer so sue me) I have sucked at it. There has not been a single time, in five years, that I have not cut myself at LEAST once. I have always used disposable razors for the lolz, but yesterday I was at walgreens and saw the Gillette Fusion Proglide in the bargain bin for seven bucks, and I figured hell, what have I got to lose except seven bucks? I just shaved about twenty minutes ago, and DAMN. The difference was mind boggling. It was like shaving with a stick of butter instead of rusty nails coated in tetanus.

Just look at this smooth neck! Appreciate its not-sliced-to-shittedness! My neck-skin used to function adequately as sandpaper after each shave, but that beauty over there wouldn't even scratch a baby's bottom*. On a more somber note, wtf is up with my ear? look at that thing. From underneath it looks like some weird mutant thumb coming out of my head. Ew.

*I in no way endorse the use of beard-scruff to scratch baby bottoms

I finally got on the bandwagon and got a smart phone last week! The Iphone 4s is really shiny, and is packed to the gills with niftyness. Ex: On fathers day I called up a place to order pizza. When I ended the call, I realized my phone had already pulled up the store's address on my screen without me even searching for it! I touched the address, and BAM! I had directions to the place faster than I could say "I need directions to the place." Like wtf! After briefly pondering what manner of augury allowed Siri to read my mind, I calmly followed the directions to the store. Science be praised.

So my phone kicks ass. Getting the phone, however, was a less than pleasant experience. When I arrived at the i-store, a gaggle of 4-5 blue shirted types were milling around absent-mindedly near the front. When I approached, one of them took me to "Drake", who was busy trying to unlock a drawer for a customer. Apparently, someone had locked her phone in the drawer for safe keeping, then left and taken the keys with them, dooming the phone to a lifetime trapped in i-purgatory. After about fifteen minutes of Drake trying to pick the lock with a paperclip and explain touch screen controls to me, the blue-shirt gang decided to bring over ANOTHER girl for Drake to help. This one was buying a brand new computer and had never used an apple before, and naturally Drake was the only man who could possibly explain it. So we had five employees standing around contemplating their uselessness while Drake tried to simultaneously complete three disparate tasks. The Apple store apparently has a "Only one helpful employee per shift" rule which forces most workers to pretend to suck at their jobs.

Veep is a good show! You should watch it.

I'm not even gonna talk about the NBA finals. Disappointing.

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Success and Disapointment

I only got the internet turned on a few days ago, so this blog has been steadily and repeatedly delayed (not unlike my education!) but here it is! Aisha should now be temporarily mollified.

I posted back on may 30th that I had a job. Turns out that wasn't true, as I still had one more interview to go through, But I made it through the wilderness! I am now a Dominos manager in training. How much better than unemployed is this? Three.

I read Wicked recently. Here is a brief recap.

chapter the first: A magic dwarf with a mechanical dragon goes from town to town making people kill each other. Elphaba (wicked witch) is born! she is green. Also she has fangs. Also she has a glowy eye that can see into the future, and her first word is "Horrors".

Skip forward 16 years. Oz has become 1930s Poland, but the Jews are talking animals. The words "pogroms" and "discrimination" are thrown around a lot. elphaba is attending hogwarts. She has a little sister who has no arms. The magic dwarf makes a tiger rape a dude. For no reason. Just to make sure some steamy beastiality makes it into the book, because the author knows that books with NO tiger rape suck.

Skip forward 5 years. Elphaba is now a terrorist who is fighting for animal rights. Nothing happens for 8 chapters. she tries to kill some lady and fails. The magic dwarf gives her a magic book.

Skip forward 10 years. Elphaba has been a nun ever since her failed assassination. The head nun gives her a broom and tells her to go the desert. In the desert she meets a magic elephant who tells her "You are now a witch". She goes to a castle. Her little sister (with no arms) is now king of munchkinland.

skip forward 3 years. Elphaba discovers the broom can fly, then spends all her time sewing pigeon wings onto monkeys to make flying monkeys. Elphaba is now called "The Wicked witch of the west", and her armless sister is now called "the wicked witch of the east" why? The denizens of Oz are apparently terrified by armless women and pigeon mutilation. Dorothy kills Elphaba with some water, The end. Oh and the talking animal terrorist movement and the magic rape/murder dwarf are never explained or resolved. Oh and her sharp teeth disappear at some point, and her ability to see the future never seems to come up again or matter either.

Basically the whole book is nonsense hodgepodge with tons of random shit that never amounts to anything. The musical is pretty decent though. Which reminds me, I want to see Rock of Ages.

When I was at the theater to see The Avengers for the third (glorious) time, I saw this teaser for an upcoming show (slightly NSFW)

Now, ever since I saw Heartbreakers as a thirteen year old hormone sack, I have loved me some Jennifer Love. THAT trailer was enough to make me schedule a spot for The Client List between Game of Thrones (yeah, this blog has been a while in the making) and Legend of Korra.

I watched the first two episodes of the show. Turns out that men who visit a prostitute just want someone to talk to, NOT someone to engage in the sexytimes with. Maybe the Client List is great for women in the worlds oldest profession that felt that the Lifetime Network was not adequately empowering them, But all "I" wanted was for J-love to run around prostituting herself. Waste of time.

I have a lot more to write about, but this thing is already getting up there in length, so look forward to another silly nonsense blog filled with my opinions in the coming days.